Secret lives of desperate housedogs

When the lady left home this morning she announced that Bella she was in charge. Bella, the oldest of the six housedogs, is a feisty six pound bundle of yorkie. The official title for Bella would be the "alpha bitch", with emphasis on bitch. Bella is pmsing about seventy five percent of the time. She also has a severe problem with misplaced anger. On bath days,which Bella hates with a passion, no one dares to as much as make eye contact with her. One wrong move from one of the other housedogs could send Bella into her best Clint Eastwood persona. It sounds somewhat like this: "You looking at me? Go ahead wag that tail. I dare you! Well, you got to ask yourself, do you feel lucky pup?" Louie was the second housedog to come live with the people. He's a six pound maltese whom the man refers to as "steel trap", everyone thinks it's a joke, but Louie knows the man knows there is a killer under all that white fur. Bella made the first six months at the house pure hell for Louie, although she came to realize an allegiance with Louie would be necessary when the other house dogs began to arrive, and boy did they. A pair of maltese sisters came next. The lady calls them the mire sisters, but their real names are Sammie and Gracie. Bella hated the sisters. Louie loved them, they were his women and he liked that about them. Although everyone in the house is fixed but Louie, he stills pursues the sisters. You can hear him doing his "peppy la pew" whispering sweet nothings in their ears. The sisters do a pretty good job side stepping their romantic pursuer. Sammie is the family clown. She's always cheerful,telling jokes, and trying to make everyone laugh. At bedtime she'll run around under the covers, mostly to be funny, but she also knows this really pisses Bella off. She's also the family tattle tell. Everyday she's meets the man and woman at the door and gives her report: Hampton was running in the house again. Bella said I was white trash and had a nappy head. Gracie hogged the feed bowl. Louie wanted to know if I had a fry to go with my shake. And Beene went to an adult dog site on the computer. But of course I've been as good as gold! Sammie's bigger sister Gracie is by far the most laid back female in the house. She only has one great passion in her life and that's eating. Gracie loves food. She lives to eat. When there's cooking going on Gracie refuses to leave the kitchen. On holidays if turkeys are in the oven over night, Gracie volunteers to hold over night vigils to guard the aroma. But other than keeping enough food for her eat, Gracie is not any trouble to the people. That brings us to the last two housedogs to join the entourage, Hampton and Beene. These two are the rough housers. Always chasing each other through the house causing a stir. Hampton is a chinese crested with hair, a powder puff. More like a cream puff, sweet and loyal, a real pushover. That brings us to Beene, a little red yorkie,youngest of all. What can be said about Beene? He's a real man's dog, he sits around and licks himself about fifty percent of the day. Sure he'll chase Hampton, eat when he's hungry, and even hussle a tummy rub from the lady. But all else said and done, Beene can be found in his rollie-pollie yoga position, licking himself. A friend of the lady asked her husband why Beene did that. His answer, simple but true, was "because he can." And Beene can!!

Louie and The Lab

From in between the pickets Louie could see the real dogs that lived in the big yard. Louie thinks how wise it was for the people to have built a barrier between him and what would have been his victims. House dogs are different from yard dogs. It's like Goofy and Pluto. Goofy walks,talks,drives a car, he's as close to human as possible. Pluto, on the other hand, is not only a dog but he's Goofy's dog. Thus being the case of the house dogs and the yard dogs. Louie scans the yard for his next prey. There's the big white lab named Ditto, although his head is larger than Louie's entire body, he's just too stupid to pick on. Louie needed a more worthy opponent then the young Ditto. Then he spots Hunter, the old black lab with one eye. A battle wound Louie suspects, he just hates he wasn't the one who inflicted it. Lazily Hunter stretches out in a freshly dug hole on the other side of the fence. When out of nowhere, blind sided on his blind side, Louie strikes. "Your mama's a hunting dog!" Louie yelps,and with barking and gnashing of teeth from the outside of the fence, it was on. Up and down the fence they go. By now Louie's posse has joined him, for if there's one thing the house dogs agree on it's that they hate the yard dogs. "You run like a cat", "You're gun shy", "You couldn't retrieve a duck if it fell in a bucket of water". The house dogs were relentless and brutal. Hunter finally tires and retreats to the lake in the backyard to cool down. Louie looks at his comrades in arms and yelps "last one to the a/c vent is a bird dog", off they go to the house with the luxuries known only to the elite house dogs. Later, as Louie lies curled up in his little bed in the kitchen, he thinks it's a tough job but someone has to do it!